Love and Lies

Why would anyone lie? The truth eventually shows itself, to anyone who matters. :) You may feel it's okay to have people in your life who are living under a delusion, but someday you will want to reveal your truths to someone, to let that someone get close to you...and if your history is full of lies and deceit, you may drive that person away. So then you start lying to yourself, keeping your lies to others intact, and pretending to be that false person so you can keep that false relationship. That lie. The delusional relationship. Yes, you can keep your lover, keep getting what you "think" you want, through deceit. But someday you may realize that you have never found out what you truly want: You have been lying to yourself about what you want. And that relationship? It's a lie, too. A lie to you, by you.

This goes beyond people. It applies to politics, to religion, to music, to groups that you choose to belong to. Society teaches us to lie, so deeply within its foundations that few people can see it. Santa Claus is an obvious example. You may say, "What's wrong with Santa?" It should be common knowledge that suicide rates are higher during the holidays. Why is that? Because the truth is, love should be real. It should happen every day. It should not be conditional. If you give me something for Christmas, do you have the expectation that I owe you something for Christmas? You may deny it immediately, but inside, I believe that is something most people feel.

Organized religion is a more devious, and demonstrably evil, example. You cannot have rational discussions with people who choose to be stupid, so if you choose to be stupid, I do NOT want to hear from you. :( If you have an opinion, and can provide evidence to support it, and are willing to listen to my opinions about your evidence, and willing to look at the evidence against your evidence, :) then I will be happy to discuss it with you. Politics and religion are two arenas that have very little evidence to support common opinions, however, so tread these carefully.

So, what's wrong with religion? It was taken over centuries ago, by people who did not understand its basic precepts, and did not exemplify them, and were not capable of passing them on. ANY (visible) organization is eventually taken over by people who are not competent to run it. That's partly because there is an inverse correlation between intelligence, and the desire to be in charge. Therefore, MOST people who are in any position of authority, are not likely to be of average intelligence. That means they do not have the ability to understand the thoughts of others, or the interest in thinking long enough to understand them, anyway. It has been said that stupidity is the LEARNED inability to learn; I saw it in these words in Popular Psychology a few decades ago. I suspect that is the function of the Boob Tube, aka television in its current implementation.

I have a firm, unshakable belief in God. But God is not what they teach in any religion I have found. Anyone who does a serious study of any mainstream religion can see that they are not taught by spiritual people. Period, full stop. I'm most familiar with Christianity, so I will tear it down first. :) It should be obvious that the ones who call themselves pagans are more likely to be in touch with the actual teachings of spiritual masters, including Christ, than the people who believe church propaganda. For example, churches want you to join, then they want to spend your money. No denying that. They all want your money. Sure, they all have a story, a rationale: "We're feeding the poor, or we need to pay our minister, or our secretary, or we need to pay the electric bill for the building, or we need a building..."

Bull. Look deeper. Why do they need any of that? Ask, and ask, and dig. Don't settle for the obvious answer, because that is not the true answer.

What does a Christian church teach, as they pass the plate and claim that you should tithe? Generally, they quote Jesus, when he said, "Whose face is on this coin?" The Government's. "Give to the government what is theirs, and give to God what is his." Oooh, great wisdom, please all, even the synagogues. But....what does God ask for? When did God ever ask for money? When did God ever spend it?

God asks for love. Love God, love those around you. When a church asks for money, when it has put itself in a position to need money, it has obviously lost sight of the spirituality it purports to represent. I don't believe God ever asked us to assuage our feelings of guilt and shame by giving to multi-national organizations, when we have a neighbor in need. Symbolic charity is blood money. Don't pray for man (that is, for appearances); pray for yourself and God.

Prayer is another issue. "Our Father..." Um. Is your heart in those words? Is your mind even ON those words? I doubt it. Are words prayer? I doubt that, too. I won't teach you how to pray. I'm not teaching you anything, really; but I hope you are learning how to think for yourself. Please, try to be honest, at least with yourself.

A Second Life

I've been exploring a new world as a way to potentially improve my income. I first got involved with this place several years ago--almost exactly five--but didn't look much into it at the time. Life has its distractions and its requirements. Well, one of the problems with life is that it doesn't pay well, but it requires money to continue in. I suppose I could live in a cardboard box or in the woods somewhere, but I've grown accustomed to having a clean bed and showers. I like computers, too. :)

Anyway, this new world is called Second Life (secondlife.com). It's a virtual world--sort of a matrix within a matrix, containing matrices--and last night I met a couple of dragons. You can choose almost anything as an avatar. Among other things, there are worlds with pirates, elves, dwarves, spaceships, submarines...dance halls and shopping malls abound. So do mature themes, but they're zoned so that you can set your preferences to not show them to you. Minors are not permitted to enter these zones. Virtual property owners can also set access lists to prohibit entry to their properties.

Boring details? Well, I'm a photographer; how about some pictures? Warning: My computer is not powerful enough to show these scenes or characters as they really are, so these are caricatures of what's really there. I'll work on some nice scenic shots later, when I'm not trying to explore and can change the settings to make it look nice, but for now I wanted to show one of my new friends what "she" looks like to me. (I'm just assuming she's female; she could be the queen of England for all I know. LOL!)

My avatar, and goodlessmadam Bingyi

My avatar is on the left, in black; Bingyi is the pretty one. She said my hair looked like someone had dropped an egg on my head. :D We were sitting in swings and chatting--you can use text or voice--in Siden, a realm by Sooden Ren (http://www.sooden.co.uk/siden/). A marvelous place; I highly recommend you visit. The elven caves are beautiful!

Again, my computer does not render the scenes with their full beauty; when I set it to try that, I can't move. Here's a sample of the characters that Bingyi showed me; each has natural movements--incredibly natural, from eye movements to walking, and even posture changes when standing or sitting that are very well done. Nobody stands around like a statue!

The hammers walked around like a pair of stilts! The raven hopped just like a real bird. The alien was very disturbing...

Dragon, from the Isle of Wyrm in Second Life

That's about all the shots I have now. There's a lot to learn here.

July 4, family visit

I promised I'd blog this, so in my newly-established tradition of not doing anything on time...wait, that's nothing new: I'm always late! :D A lot has happened in the past few years, and not all of it was the way I'd have wanted it to happen. I have learned a lot.

Anyway, last summer I let my sister, whom I hadn't seen for years, cajole me into visiting her in San Antonio. It's hard to fit appointments into the slave-dominated adventure that I've been living, but I finally capitulated, albeit with some trepidation. Kat had told me she lived "in the hood" with a Hispanic; to me, that meant broken-down cars parked next to shiny low-riders, wanna-be "men" strutting around looking for trouble, and maybe career criminals that would love to score on this old gringo.

Kat said she had my back, so I put on my big-boy spurs and went for a ride.

Google Maps knew where she lived, so I got there okay (although I later found that my truck had a serious engine problem which resulted in a thrown rod in September), and easily confirmed it by her Cobra Mustang (or is that Mustang Cobra?) in the drive. She still has that car. I've often said that if I were to buy an American-made car, it would be a Mustang; most American cars are too soggy and "luxurious" for my taste. I drive a Chevy...TRUCK! :) Both my cars are Chevy trucks. But I prefer Hondas and Toyotas, simply because American corporations seem more interested in YOUR business than in doing good business: They want your bucks, but aren't proud enough of themselves to do business for it. I mean, to do GOOD business for it.

But I cliché. Digress.

So I get there on time...no, I got there an hour late, and nobody was there but Kat. I thought I'd missed the party! She said that was typical, and right: Nobody's on time for her parties. Actually, her roommate--not a Hispanic--was in the shower. So we got to spend some quality time together, I got to see the house, the fish, and the cat. We discussed nothing of consequence, so I still don't know why she stabbed me and threw knives at me when we were teenagers. (And she wonders why I don't call...LOL!)

Her son Joey showed up after a while. He's BIG! BIGGER! Last I'd seen him he was scarcely waist-high; now it's the other way around. Like many big people, he was gentle and quiet, until he turned on his DJ system. Now it was starting to sound like a party! There were drinks, barbecue, music, flashing lights, a swimming pool, screened-in porch, yard games, dogs, and people. Children, too. (Are children people? I wasn't people when I was a kid. Not sure I am, yet.)

Turned out I needn't have worried. I had a good time, there were no gunshots, rowdy drunks, or illegal drugs, and I actually was sorry I had to leave! I met some wonderful folks, and I wish I'd blogged this last July, because I don't remember their names--except for Kevin, who was pretty good with a drum, and Mario, who was the alleged Hispanic I'd been told about. Kat must have been telling him stories about me, because he kept his eye on me the whole time he was there, like he expected my to sprout a halo or turn green. After a couple of beers, he admitted he'd heard I was smart. Well, Mario, if you're reading this, let me tell you: "Smart" ain't worth much in this world. What you need is love, soul, respect...and above all, the desire to get things done, preferably done right (and legally). If you do it right, others respect you, and you respect yourself. (If you do it legally, you avoid unwanted attention and vulnerability.) If you don't do it, it doesn't do you any good. So whatever your dreams may be, don't think you need to be smart to do it: Remember, our last couple of presidents have been mphmphgurk!

My boss has cancer...

...and may be dying. Probably will, it seems; they gave her two months. There's some hope; she's taking chemo and radiation therapy, and even though it's early, they say there's no further progression in the disease.

I've been working for her for more than four years, now, and I never realized how much I cared about her. She's difficult to please, and micro-manages; I dare not make any decisions, and dare not fail to make decisions! I've had to beg off responsibility, citing my own cluelessness about human nature, and that bothers her, understandably. Still, she hasn't fired me lately (I've been fired twice, but stayed anyway...and she kept writing my paychecks!). Once I met her sister and saw that she treated her sister the same way she treats me, I realized she really did like me. That made it much easier to work for her.

I met her through my ex-wife; she was my ex's divorce attorney. Seems her secretary quit a couple of days before her vacation, and she needed someone to care for her cat while she was gone. I happened to be handy when she called my ex for help, and lived a lot closer to the cat! I was also only working odd jobs at the time--there's a long story there--so I was available. When she got back from vacation, she said her cat had never been so happy... and by the way, did I know anything about computers? Only a little: I've worked with computers since the 1970s, have repaired, used, and even programmed them for a living most of my adult life. They're intuitive to me. So I thought, I can take a little secretarial work for a while; who knows: I might learn something!

I did.

I've always automatically despised lawyers. (You might refer to my "heterosexual questionnaire" answers.) A liar is bad enough, but anyone who lies for money is automatically less than a whore to me, and lawyers survive by pursuing their clients' viewpoints, whether just or unjust. So I wasn't expecting to stay long at this job.

I learned something right away: Not all lawyers are scumbags. I think that's important to know, as an adult in a country with more lawyers per capita than anywhere else in the world.

My boss is revered by many hundreds of people, many of whom have been through our office doors during my time here. She's active in her church, and volunteers for Habitat for Humanity, among others. She was the only bilingual attorney in town--that I know of--until this year, when a new attorney moved into our office building. This new attorney has been getting a lot of referrals suddenly; she hasn't even had time to settle in!

My own life has been making its own drastic changes. Last year I decided to become more active, more social; so I joined a nationwide club--whose general membership meetings I video-record and post--and a local political action group. Then I joined a writers' group, and a photography club, and the local Republican Party; I'm now a precinct chair, and was a delegate at the state convention. I began attending social events and songwriters' circles. I found a girlfriend.

Let's stop there: I found a girlfriend. Not just any girl, mind you. When I got married in 1999, I was 40, and had decided that I wasn't going to find a girl that might be my match. I'd given up. Now, the woman I married--and divorced--is a wonderful person, don't get me wrong, but she was not a match for me. I don't mean that she wasn't good enough; more that she and I don't share the same beliefs. We should have been friends, instead of getting married. We're still friends, though she lives in a different town now. Our time together was educational for me, and I am very glad for the things I learned and the closeness we shared. Her family is awesome, and one that I was happy to be a member of.

My current girlfriend, on the other hand, is educating me in a different way. I can talk to her about my deepest fears and regrets, and she has bared her self to me in a way I've never had before. We communicate on a higher level. She's teaching me, not just about herself and myself, but about spirituality. In essence, she's bringing me back to faith in Jesus. Shes become more dear to me than I had thought possible.

This is not without a cost, but I don't think it could have come at a more opportune time. I had grown cynical and bitter--watching people vote for psychopathic idiots can do that to you (okay, no more jabs, I promise!)--and there was a lot of garbage in my "baggage." My girlfriend stood by me while I worked through this--no, she LED me through it!... and it couldn't have been pleasant for her! She's shown me new understanding of scripture, and new references.

This is coming in the midst of world changes, and I've skipped many meetings to allow myself adjustment time, and to deal with more important issues.

After one particularly rough weekend, I cut off about sixteen inches of my hair as a reminder to myself of my repentance. My boss--and her sister--shaved their heads that same week. Chemo was my boss's reason; her sister cut hers to show support.

It's hard not to cry.

God doesn't want me...

...to buy a real camera, it seems. I made five attempts, the last with cash in hand... and something intervened every time! So I'm stuck with my four-year-old 3MP compact, instead of a new Canon Rebel XSi or 40D, or even a measly XTi. :(

It really saddens me, because I have to take several shots to get one good one, and miss a LOT of opportunities because my compact won't start up fast enough to get the shot. It also lacks any sort of manual focus, and can't see in the dark--that is, indoors in normal light. Did I mention it's only 3MP? So, tiny shots that work on the web, and if I can get my subject to freeze for 1/4 second, I can print up to about 8x10 without anybody complaining (much) about image quality.

Maybe I should get an optical slave and a super-flash. It's easy to sneak up on the deer with a guide number of 240! :) Not so easy to hide the gnats in the near-distance with such a flash, though. It makes me cry to remember that I sold my film SLR system for less than $500... I sure miss it now.

The bright news is that I got a new Mac mini. Well, the dark side is that I had to... one of the shots in God's assault on my attempt to spend $1,000 on a camera was a broken computer. :) I've wanted to get a new computer for a couple of years now, but thought my old one would work a while longer. I'm happy with the new one, but it's a bittersweet happiness: Just think of all the nice photos I could be processing on it if I had a real camera! :D Then there's the power of a "real" computer, instead of a bitty Mac mini...

I love digital imagery. It's almost as fun as the optical recording systems I remember in my dreams: Journalists with their 360- by 240-degree fly-eye camera systems, interpolative viewpoints, low-res intelligent reconstructive 3D cams...

Maybe I should stick to writing science fiction.

Bunny, etc.

I found the bunny! For those of you who really wanted to see it, that is.


I'm going to San Antonio in a few minutes to buy a real camera; my friend Jeri Alice of the Castell Kayak Race is going to hold my hand while I write the check... :) Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll know it well enough to post some new pictures. Meanwhile, here are some shots of a bouquet that my boss received today:

V asked me for photos... I tend towards journalistic photography, but fortunately there isn't a lot of excitement in my life. :) So how about a few flowers and butterflies? Perhaps I could top it off with a bunny and a sunset? This bee landing was shot in downtown Fredericksburg, Texas at about 12:30 with a zoom set to 320mm.



This macro shot is from the garden at my office.
This is a female polyphemus moth; notice that the "eyes" are transparent. This is NOT a macro shot: The moth is on a 4x4 post. It's bigger than my hand!

How do I know it's female? }:>

Cuz I saw it laying eggs!


These irises are from the garden behind Greater Grace Coffee Shop in Fredericksburg. You should visit!




























These pictures were all taken outside the front door of my office; the butterfly was most cooperative, and posed quite well for me. (The flowers behaved demurely, too.)

I'm sorry, I can't find any bunny pictures right now, and I'm going to bed. Maybe my next post will be more sunsets, or some of my friends in interesting poses.