My boss has cancer...

...and may be dying. Probably will, it seems; they gave her two months. There's some hope; she's taking chemo and radiation therapy, and even though it's early, they say there's no further progression in the disease.

I've been working for her for more than four years, now, and I never realized how much I cared about her. She's difficult to please, and micro-manages; I dare not make any decisions, and dare not fail to make decisions! I've had to beg off responsibility, citing my own cluelessness about human nature, and that bothers her, understandably. Still, she hasn't fired me lately (I've been fired twice, but stayed anyway...and she kept writing my paychecks!). Once I met her sister and saw that she treated her sister the same way she treats me, I realized she really did like me. That made it much easier to work for her.

I met her through my ex-wife; she was my ex's divorce attorney. Seems her secretary quit a couple of days before her vacation, and she needed someone to care for her cat while she was gone. I happened to be handy when she called my ex for help, and lived a lot closer to the cat! I was also only working odd jobs at the time--there's a long story there--so I was available. When she got back from vacation, she said her cat had never been so happy... and by the way, did I know anything about computers? Only a little: I've worked with computers since the 1970s, have repaired, used, and even programmed them for a living most of my adult life. They're intuitive to me. So I thought, I can take a little secretarial work for a while; who knows: I might learn something!

I did.

I've always automatically despised lawyers. (You might refer to my "heterosexual questionnaire" answers.) A liar is bad enough, but anyone who lies for money is automatically less than a whore to me, and lawyers survive by pursuing their clients' viewpoints, whether just or unjust. So I wasn't expecting to stay long at this job.

I learned something right away: Not all lawyers are scumbags. I think that's important to know, as an adult in a country with more lawyers per capita than anywhere else in the world.

My boss is revered by many hundreds of people, many of whom have been through our office doors during my time here. She's active in her church, and volunteers for Habitat for Humanity, among others. She was the only bilingual attorney in town--that I know of--until this year, when a new attorney moved into our office building. This new attorney has been getting a lot of referrals suddenly; she hasn't even had time to settle in!

My own life has been making its own drastic changes. Last year I decided to become more active, more social; so I joined a nationwide club--whose general membership meetings I video-record and post--and a local political action group. Then I joined a writers' group, and a photography club, and the local Republican Party; I'm now a precinct chair, and was a delegate at the state convention. I began attending social events and songwriters' circles. I found a girlfriend.

Let's stop there: I found a girlfriend. Not just any girl, mind you. When I got married in 1999, I was 40, and had decided that I wasn't going to find a girl that might be my match. I'd given up. Now, the woman I married--and divorced--is a wonderful person, don't get me wrong, but she was not a match for me. I don't mean that she wasn't good enough; more that she and I don't share the same beliefs. We should have been friends, instead of getting married. We're still friends, though she lives in a different town now. Our time together was educational for me, and I am very glad for the things I learned and the closeness we shared. Her family is awesome, and one that I was happy to be a member of.

My current girlfriend, on the other hand, is educating me in a different way. I can talk to her about my deepest fears and regrets, and she has bared her self to me in a way I've never had before. We communicate on a higher level. She's teaching me, not just about herself and myself, but about spirituality. In essence, she's bringing me back to faith in Jesus. Shes become more dear to me than I had thought possible.

This is not without a cost, but I don't think it could have come at a more opportune time. I had grown cynical and bitter--watching people vote for psychopathic idiots can do that to you (okay, no more jabs, I promise!)--and there was a lot of garbage in my "baggage." My girlfriend stood by me while I worked through this--no, she LED me through it!... and it couldn't have been pleasant for her! She's shown me new understanding of scripture, and new references.

This is coming in the midst of world changes, and I've skipped many meetings to allow myself adjustment time, and to deal with more important issues.

After one particularly rough weekend, I cut off about sixteen inches of my hair as a reminder to myself of my repentance. My boss--and her sister--shaved their heads that same week. Chemo was my boss's reason; her sister cut hers to show support.

It's hard not to cry.

God doesn't want me...

...to buy a real camera, it seems. I made five attempts, the last with cash in hand... and something intervened every time! So I'm stuck with my four-year-old 3MP compact, instead of a new Canon Rebel XSi or 40D, or even a measly XTi. :(

It really saddens me, because I have to take several shots to get one good one, and miss a LOT of opportunities because my compact won't start up fast enough to get the shot. It also lacks any sort of manual focus, and can't see in the dark--that is, indoors in normal light. Did I mention it's only 3MP? So, tiny shots that work on the web, and if I can get my subject to freeze for 1/4 second, I can print up to about 8x10 without anybody complaining (much) about image quality.

Maybe I should get an optical slave and a super-flash. It's easy to sneak up on the deer with a guide number of 240! :) Not so easy to hide the gnats in the near-distance with such a flash, though. It makes me cry to remember that I sold my film SLR system for less than $500... I sure miss it now.

The bright news is that I got a new Mac mini. Well, the dark side is that I had to... one of the shots in God's assault on my attempt to spend $1,000 on a camera was a broken computer. :) I've wanted to get a new computer for a couple of years now, but thought my old one would work a while longer. I'm happy with the new one, but it's a bittersweet happiness: Just think of all the nice photos I could be processing on it if I had a real camera! :D Then there's the power of a "real" computer, instead of a bitty Mac mini...

I love digital imagery. It's almost as fun as the optical recording systems I remember in my dreams: Journalists with their 360- by 240-degree fly-eye camera systems, interpolative viewpoints, low-res intelligent reconstructive 3D cams...

Maybe I should stick to writing science fiction.

Bunny, etc.

I found the bunny! For those of you who really wanted to see it, that is.


I'm going to San Antonio in a few minutes to buy a real camera; my friend Jeri Alice of the Castell Kayak Race is going to hold my hand while I write the check... :) Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll know it well enough to post some new pictures. Meanwhile, here are some shots of a bouquet that my boss received today:

V asked me for photos... I tend towards journalistic photography, but fortunately there isn't a lot of excitement in my life. :) So how about a few flowers and butterflies? Perhaps I could top it off with a bunny and a sunset? This bee landing was shot in downtown Fredericksburg, Texas at about 12:30 with a zoom set to 320mm.



This macro shot is from the garden at my office.
This is a female polyphemus moth; notice that the "eyes" are transparent. This is NOT a macro shot: The moth is on a 4x4 post. It's bigger than my hand!

How do I know it's female? }:>

Cuz I saw it laying eggs!


These irises are from the garden behind Greater Grace Coffee Shop in Fredericksburg. You should visit!




























These pictures were all taken outside the front door of my office; the butterfly was most cooperative, and posed quite well for me. (The flowers behaved demurely, too.)

I'm sorry, I can't find any bunny pictures right now, and I'm going to bed. Maybe my next post will be more sunsets, or some of my friends in interesting poses.

Tagged! Oh, the humanity!

I've been tagged by V; now I'm supposed to tell five things about myself. Who am I? What do *I* know about me? What does anyone know about themselves? Let's pretend I know myself...

1. I despise lying. If you want to be famous for something, don't polish your image: BE what you want to be known for! If it's not in your nature to be a chess champion, don't lie about it; find something you like, and strive for it. For example...

2. I'd like to be a well-known and liked, published author. What am I gonna do about it? Write a book! If I stumble, I'll learn from what people tell me. So, I'm a member of a local writers' club that meets every couple of weeks, and we read our own writing to each other. I also read what others write about writing (and getting published), especially if I like their writing. I have 11,000 words of a projected 14,000 word short story written. Once that's done, tied with a bow, and mailed off, I plan to turn it into a 70,000 word or so novel. I also have ~45,000 words of a projected 140,000 word novel, which may grow into...well, let's get it published, first! :D

3. I like to take pictures and make movies; I began serious shooting in 1983. Back to #1, I'm doing something about that, too: I've taken some 15,000 photos in the last two years, have been making and posting videos online for a club I'm in for about a year, and have joined a photography club with artistic inclinations so I can hone my craft. I'll be upgrading my camera this month.

4. I love everybody. That doesn't mean I think you'd make a good president! In fact, I'm working on that... :) I've become precinct chair, and am a state delegate. I fully intend to restore love to the White House! <^o^>

5. I believe in Extra-Terrestrials. Duh! :D

Poisoned Apple

When did you stop eating healthy food? Do you even know when?

As children we were told to eat our vegetables, have an apple instead of a candy bar, drink milk instead of a soda... things that SEEMED to be good advice. My parents believed they were doing right with such advice.

Unfortunately, they were not.

Many of the vegetables shoved down kids' unwilling maws were canned. Over-cooked, loaded with salt, sugar, and more exotic preservatives; even artificial coloring to restore the "natural" look. Cans were soldered with lead-based metals; later they were lined with plastic coatings that were supposed to protect us from metal poisoning. "Fresh" veggies were sprayed with pesticides at the farm and the grocery store. Some were coated with petroleum products to make them look more appealing.

Things have changed: Now it's worse! The definition of "organic" has been changed to suit big corporations who want to ride the market without the trouble of doing it right. Known poisons are added to foods as sweeteners. "Natural flavors" are created in laboratories from once-natural ingredients. Certain unpleasant ingredients are left off of labels using the rationale that there isn't enough of it present that makers are legally required to list them.

Well, when I buy rat-poison, I don't want peas added to it. If my breakfast cereal is toxic to pests in the warehouse, I for sure don't want to eat it myself!

Milk... doesn't do a body much good. Sure, milk contains calcium. The lie is in its usability by the body: It isn't sufficiently absorbed by the body, and the reactions milk causes actually REDUCE the calcium in your bones. On top of that, the foreign (bovine) proteins in milk cause an immune system reaction that can eventually trigger an auto-immune response. That is, an illness resembling AIDS. There's more: Look it up yourself.

Who convinced you to spend money to poison your own food?

Is it worth being poisoned, to reduce the possibility of seeing a worm in your apple?

Fractured Minds

The road to hell is paved. :) Whether you are actually nonjudgmental is not as important as your recognition that being so is where you wish to go, and your making a continual effort to understand why.

I think that playing Jesus Christ or Buddhist can be done in America, but not by hypocrites. One needs to give up materialism and vanity, without giving up self-esteem or true worth. That may--may--mean giving up expectations about how one lives, giving up a nice home, car, cosmetics, clothing, etc.; but actually only requires that you give up *needing* or *demanding* these symbols of materialism. Forcing yourself to give up these things when you still crave them only leads to a fractured mind, a broken personality... you become false, a hypocrite.

Most people that try to give up materialism, or ego, or even alcohol or other addictive elements for that matter, do so by attempting to *reject* it. Paul taught that kind of behavior in the bible. Jesus did not. We need to learn to first understand the thing we wish to control, by embracing it, becoming it; until we see its cravings, its needs and dependencies, and where it finds fulfillment in ourselves. If we fear that, it will always control us even as we try to reject it. As Luke Skywalker learned in Star Wars, you do not *fight* the dark side. You must love it.

Of course, you must also love the path of light, or you become a pawn of darkness.

Heterosexual Questionnaire, and My Answers

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

My parents taught me, and then there was this cuute redhead when I was six who pulled down my pants. I still have a horrible weakness for skinny redheads!

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

I never decided I was het: I just decided it was too scary to have sex with men. Men are creeps, you know? Invasive, dominating, insensitive, they're like 2-year-olds, always wanting it their way, WHEN they want it...gimme the d--n remote!

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase?

Yeah, but in contemporary society I'm too scared to be too different.

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a fear of others of the same sex?

ABSOLUTELY! You ever have a guy look you in the eyes while his hand strokes his crotch? EEEeeww! Plus, most criminals are men, most soldiers are men (well, the ones that aren't boys, that is), most public nuisances (gangsters, drunks, loiterers, homeless beggars) are men...and to top it all off, most POLITICIANS are men!

5. If you've never had an intimate relationship with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer a same-sex relationship?

Fear is the opposite of love. If I'm scared to try it, how'm I gonna like it?

6. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mentally impaired persons heterosexuals?

Most psychopaths are bi-sexual, e.g., George W. Bush. I think your data are skewed.

7. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Well, when I finally admitted it to my dad, he said, "It's about time!"

8. Your heterosexuality does not offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to convert others into their lifestyle?

I guess for the same reason "statutory rape" can get you prison time. Sex is too strong an urge, and everybody wants to have it with every attractive body they see, even if it's someone they're forbidden by law or custom to have...so that creates frustration, which leads to perversion, which forces them to face their feelings and become a real person or deny their feelings and externalise them on whomever they can get away with. After they think of having sex with them, of course, and trying to forget they ever did.

9. If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they may face?

I chose not to be a breeder because society is totally, um, whacked. Society's sexual perversity is one of the major factors in my decision.

10. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

No, I don't. I think all children should be home-schooled. And kept away from politicians.

11. Why do you insist on being so obvious and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

I'm sure you're referring to someone else. Perhaps a senator, or an ex-president of the US like Clinton.

12. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted stereotyped sex roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy roles?

My partners and I do not adhere to societal restrictions in our private lives. Sometimes that does creep out...

13. How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman or vice-versa?

You know, that's a valid question. I have found that WOMEN understand these things better than men, which works out for me, as a heterosexual male. When I'm confused, I remember what my mother taught me: Women are always right.

14. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Hormones. You're cute, I'm sure; they want to have sex with you, too.

15. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?

Marriage is evil, and people are finally beginning to learn to express that. Especially since society no longer expects women to be property of men--now they are property of corporations, along WITH men.

16. Do heterosexuals hate and distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

A. Hate is not the opposite of love; fear is. They love their own sex but dare not admit it--in public, at least. They distrust because everybody wants to have sex with everybody, but society tries to force moron--I mean, monogamy--on everybody, so they think that if their current partner is unfaithful they have to drive them out, even if they don't lose them. That makes them cry, which they disguise as jealousy.

B. I'd guess everybody has a little different answer as to what makes them het.

17. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Bragging rights, mostly, which boils down to the second reason--which is actually the first: They're insecure, and don't know what they want from life, so they mistake sex for intimacy for love.

18. Why do you make a point of attributing heterosexuality to famous people. Does it justify your own heterosexuality?

I understand that the Victorians weren't as prude as we think they were: They just didn't talk about what they did in public. A little research will show that most famous people were adulterers, pedophiles, and whorers; Catherine the Great is believed to have had regular sex with her horse. Must have made Voltaire proud, to think she'd sleep with him after such a thing.

So really, the question is, why do people deny their sexuality?

I'm not human..?

I'm not human, really. I mean, who would WANT to be? Look at you: You vote for idiots, you lie routinely, you fight wars that you KNOW are wrong, you kill just to eat! Your leaders are psychopaths; many of them are idiots with little qualification. Some got there by force--yeah, that's intelligent!--and others got there through huge popularity contests.

Who are you? Who are your idols? Are they worthy of even you?

Why?