Heterosexual Questionnaire, and My Answers

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

My parents taught me, and then there was this cuute redhead when I was six who pulled down my pants. I still have a horrible weakness for skinny redheads!

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

I never decided I was het: I just decided it was too scary to have sex with men. Men are creeps, you know? Invasive, dominating, insensitive, they're like 2-year-olds, always wanting it their way, WHEN they want it...gimme the d--n remote!

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase?

Yeah, but in contemporary society I'm too scared to be too different.

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a fear of others of the same sex?

ABSOLUTELY! You ever have a guy look you in the eyes while his hand strokes his crotch? EEEeeww! Plus, most criminals are men, most soldiers are men (well, the ones that aren't boys, that is), most public nuisances (gangsters, drunks, loiterers, homeless beggars) are men...and to top it all off, most POLITICIANS are men!

5. If you've never had an intimate relationship with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer a same-sex relationship?

Fear is the opposite of love. If I'm scared to try it, how'm I gonna like it?

6. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mentally impaired persons heterosexuals?

Most psychopaths are bi-sexual, e.g., George W. Bush. I think your data are skewed.

7. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

Well, when I finally admitted it to my dad, he said, "It's about time!"

8. Your heterosexuality does not offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to convert others into their lifestyle?

I guess for the same reason "statutory rape" can get you prison time. Sex is too strong an urge, and everybody wants to have it with every attractive body they see, even if it's someone they're forbidden by law or custom to have...so that creates frustration, which leads to perversion, which forces them to face their feelings and become a real person or deny their feelings and externalise them on whomever they can get away with. After they think of having sex with them, of course, and trying to forget they ever did.

9. If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they may face?

I chose not to be a breeder because society is totally, um, whacked. Society's sexual perversity is one of the major factors in my decision.

10. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

No, I don't. I think all children should be home-schooled. And kept away from politicians.

11. Why do you insist on being so obvious and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

I'm sure you're referring to someone else. Perhaps a senator, or an ex-president of the US like Clinton.

12. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted stereotyped sex roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy roles?

My partners and I do not adhere to societal restrictions in our private lives. Sometimes that does creep out...

13. How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the obvious physical, biological, and temperamental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman or vice-versa?

You know, that's a valid question. I have found that WOMEN understand these things better than men, which works out for me, as a heterosexual male. When I'm confused, I remember what my mother taught me: Women are always right.

14. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Hormones. You're cute, I'm sure; they want to have sex with you, too.

15. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships between heterosexuals?

Marriage is evil, and people are finally beginning to learn to express that. Especially since society no longer expects women to be property of men--now they are property of corporations, along WITH men.

16. Do heterosexuals hate and distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

A. Hate is not the opposite of love; fear is. They love their own sex but dare not admit it--in public, at least. They distrust because everybody wants to have sex with everybody, but society tries to force moron--I mean, monogamy--on everybody, so they think that if their current partner is unfaithful they have to drive them out, even if they don't lose them. That makes them cry, which they disguise as jealousy.

B. I'd guess everybody has a little different answer as to what makes them het.

17. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?

Bragging rights, mostly, which boils down to the second reason--which is actually the first: They're insecure, and don't know what they want from life, so they mistake sex for intimacy for love.

18. Why do you make a point of attributing heterosexuality to famous people. Does it justify your own heterosexuality?

I understand that the Victorians weren't as prude as we think they were: They just didn't talk about what they did in public. A little research will show that most famous people were adulterers, pedophiles, and whorers; Catherine the Great is believed to have had regular sex with her horse. Must have made Voltaire proud, to think she'd sleep with him after such a thing.

So really, the question is, why do people deny their sexuality?